How high achievers can start being kinder to themselves (and why it matters)

Are you kind towards everyone else... but critical (even cruel) towards yourself?

There are many folks who think nothing of giving generously to everybody else in their life, but are real misers when it comes to spending time, money, or effort on themselves.

If someone else needs their time, their attention, their love, their support, their devotion? No problem. They drop everything, rearrange their schedule, and make sure that that other person is taken care of. They reshuffle their priorities on a dime, postpone precious things they had been looking forward to, and shunt aside other important or urgent tasks in order to care for someone else.

But when that same person is asked to devote time to themselves and their own needs (or heaven forbid, their own wants or desires), there’s  a very different response. These people are fine to put others’ needs above their own, but are quick to deny their own needs. Or wants. Worse yet, they shame themselves for even wishing for that time or space or effort or attention in the first place.

How we speak to others vs how to speak to ourselves

Have you found yourself quietly craving something (more time, more space, a quiet moment, a walk by the water, cozier pants, a cup of tea)? If your friend, partner, or kid wanted these things, how quickly would you make them happen? And if you couldn't make them happen right now, how would you tell them that?

If your kid, for example, wanted to go for an evening walk and you literally couldn't do that at this moment because it was too late, it was too dark, you were on a deadline, your kid was under the weather, or whatever the case may be, you'd probably say something like:

“I'm so sorry, sweetie. We can't make that happen tonight. But I love your idea. Do you want to try and plan for that tomorrow? Let's make sure to get it on the calendar soon.”

But when we have the same internal impulse, that same reasonable request to go for an evening walk, and it's not going to work? There's a very strong tendency to blame and shame ourselves for wanting something, especially something that isn't achievable right now. Instead of that kind, patient, welcoming tone we use with a loved one, we talk to ourselves something more like this:

“Why would you even think about something as frivolous as going for a walk right now? You know just how many chores there are to do between now and bedtime, plus you've got those work deadlines to finish before the 9am meeting tomorrow morning. You're behind on your work, and you don't deserve to have nice things like going for walks. Also, you shouldn't even think about going for a walk, you should clearly be going for a run because you're way behind on your workouts this week. It's so irresponsible for you to even think about going for a run right now. I'm embarrassed for you.”

How differently do we speak to loved ones versus ourselves?

Why we struggle with self-criticism: a roundup of different psychological explanations and frameworks

Why is it so much harder to be kind to ourselves than to be kind to others?

The answer to that question is complex, nuanced, and difficult, but it's a question worth contemplating and worth starting to answer, however imperfectly.

There are many factors tied up in why we speak to ourselves with such casual cruelty, such flippant unkindness. Coming at this question from different psychological frameworks...

From a psychodynamic lens

The entrenched voice of the inner critic may sound like critical parents or grandparents, or teachers or bosses or other authority figures, particularly those from early in life.

From a CBT lens

Deeply ingrained habits of automatic thoughts (to use CBT terminology) lead us to become accustomed to speaking to ourselves in a negative, self-critical fashion. From a neuroplasticity perspective, these become deeply ingrained neural pathways that our minds use as a shortcut, particularly in times of high stress or fatigue.

From an evolutionary psychology lens

Our inbuilt negativity bias, to use the phrase from evolutionary psychology/psychiatry, has evolved to keep us safe in dangerous, unpredictable environments, but in the modern world keeps us stuck in perpetual fight or flight. We ignore positive stimuli and focus instead on the possibility of negative outcomes because this helps keep us and our potential offspring or family members safe.

From an interpersonal psychology lens

We have a belief that we have only become successful, safe, and/or secure within a group or social setting because we berate ourselves and are hard on ourselves. This is the voice of the perfectionist who feels that they are successful because of self-criticism, not in spite of it.

From a depth psychology/archetypal psychology lens

We all have conflicting psychological archetypes or inner selves, who are waging an internal psychological conflict over competing internal values. The Athena archetype, for example, is a very common inner critic, often keen to criticize the gentler inner archetypes such as the maiden Persephone or the more contemplative Hestia.

These are all different psychological frameworks for interpreting the same basic issue. Some are framed in what sounds like very scientific language. Others are framed in what sounds like more humanistic, emotional, or artistic language.

But at their heart, all of these different frameworks and mental models are trying to speak to the same kernel of truth: as human beings, we struggle to extend ourselves the same kindness that we can show much more easily to others that we care for and care about.

High achievers often struggle to be kind to themselves

In my clinical practice, I've often found that it's the highest achieving people, those who outwardly look very successful, even calm and confident, who are often the most self-critical. High performing, high achieving folks can be plagued with an incredibly powerful inner critic and a crippling case of imposter syndrome. And these people who have so much to offer find themselves stuck in cycles of procrastination, perfectionism, and analysis paralysis.

This can often stop them from achieving things that they are clearly competent to pursue. It makes me sad when I think of the number of graduate degrees left unfinished, businesses unstarted, promotions not applied for, all because kind, sensitive, generous, thoughtful, reflective folks get so mired in their own self-criticism and self-doubt that it stops them from pursuing things they are eminently gifted to do.

How to start being kinder towards yourself: building skills in self-compassion

Let's just put this out there right now. Starting to practice self-compassion and self-kindness is the work of a lifetime, not an simple switch that can be flipped after reading a single blog post.

So I'm not going to insult your intelligence and insight by pretending that there is a simple, straightforward magic solution, or a five-step process, for never being critical to yourself again. Because that is nonsense and anyone who promises that is at best misguided.

Beginning to practice self-compassion is just that. It is a practice, it is not something we achieve. It is not a one-and-done solution. It is not a "before-and-after" extreme makeover.

No matter how practiced we get at practicing self-compassion, there are always going to be days where our inner critic is just a little louder than we're prepared for. There are always going to be situations that try our patience and test our ability to practice self-compassion.

But that is exactly why we need to build these skills, build these new neural pathways, and build new ways to react to our internal mind, to our external stressors, and to the environment around us.

When we develop skills in self-compassion, We change our inner narratives and we change how we relate to others. Going back to the example from earlier in this post, if we were to speak to ourselves in a self-compassionate way about our desire to go for a walk, we might say something like this:

“It completely makes sense that you want to have a walk right now. It's been a long day, you've been inside for most of the day, and you've barely had any fresh air to speak of. It's so nice that you're craving a chance to be outside, to get some exercise, to be in nature. That's a really lovely impulse. Tonight, it's already dark and you do have that deadline for tomorrow, so I think it probably is wiser not to go tonight. But I really do wish we could go. I really appreciate that you thought of that. At lunch tomorrow, let's put it on the calendar right now. Let's go for that walk after your meeting tomorrow morning is all done. Maybe bring along a tea? The fall air is really crisp right now. That'll be nice and cozy to look forward to.”

The change in tone is striking. Suddenly we're speaking to ourselves kindly, like someone who matters, like someone whose wishes and desires matter. Someone who is not a nuisance, but rather someone cherished and worthy.

As we gradually start to build our skill set in extending self-compassion, these kind tones become easier and more natural to cultivate.

Reflective self-development is like physiotherapy for your mind: about the Quiet Depth approach

Learning self-compassion skills is a part of the type of work in mindful, reflective self-development that we do inside The Haven at Quiet Depth. To a lesser extent, we explore a sampler of these concepts in the free blog posts as well.

Quiet Depth is designed to be like self-guided, self-paced physiotherapy for your mind. It's filled with bite-sized, achievable, practical yet soulful lessons that you can read at your own pace and fit into your busy daily life. It's specifically designed to be a text-based resource: no fumbling with headphones, no awkward videos that blare out when you're on the bus or in the waiting room. Just you and your phone in a quiet, private online space. Ready and waiting whenever it suits you.

If you're recovering from an injury, you start with baby steps at physiotherapy. You don't go from being fresh out of surgery one day and running a marathon the next day. You figure out the small incremental exercises that feel achievable. And then you expand that just a little bit more, and expand it just a little bit more. And before you know it, almost imperceptibly, you find yourself with greater strength, with greater range of motion, with less pain.

You can't put your finger on the single day that it happened. There is no one physiotherapy exercise that "fixed everything." It is all part of the healing process. Every physiotherapy appointment, every exercise you did, it all contributed to strengthening and healing that foundation.

Similarly, Quiet Depth is not a one-time, one-and-done solution. It is not a replacement for individual or group psychotherapy. It is not a replacement for medical treatment. It is not a replacement for counseling. If you were recovering from an injury and you were doing physiotherapy, you would also continue to attend appointments with your GP, your specialist physician, perhaps massage therapy or sports rehab. Doing physiotherapy exercises would be one piece of the puzzle. Quiet Depth is only ever designed to be one piece of the puzzle for you.

Is Quiet Depth right for you?

Quiet Depth might be the right fit for you if you:

• Are an outwardly accomplished high achiever whose inside does not match up with your outside.
• Struggle with self-doubt and self-criticism.
• Have tried other types of self-development, particularly structured approaches like CBT or DBT, but found them a bit too superficial or one-size-fits-all.
• Are craving more depth and nuance in your self-development.
• Would like to start creating a practice of internal reflection and self-development, but know you have very little time to devote to it in your current season of life.

If this sounds like you, please do join the newsletter to get notified once doors open for The Haven at Quiet Depth.